Survivor Story: Khary Penebaker

Today we have a guest post by Khary Penebaker, whose mother, while Khary was still an infant, committed suicide with a gun that had been given to her as a gift despite battling depression.  As Khary mentions, he now works to try to prevent similar tragedies as the Survivor Outreach Leader for Moms Demand Action and Everytown for Gun Safety in Wisconsin, where he has a family with three children.

Khary's story illustrates the heart-wrenching effects that gun violence and suicide can have on a family.  If you know anyone who shows signs of suicidal thoughts or severe depression, please remove any guns or other lethal means.  See the addendum, at the bottom of this post, for a link to warning signs, suicide phone hotline, and other information.

Here is Khary's story, which is cross-posted from the Moms Demand Action Faces of Courage site, here:

Khary Penebaker as an infant, with his mother and father

I am a 37-year-old man and I don’t remember my mom. I don’t know her birthday. I don’t know her voice, her touch, her smell. I don’t know much about her. On September 8, 1978, she committed suicide with a gun that my grandfather had given her. She died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head, alone in her car. She left behind an infant who would never get to grow up with his mom.

For most of my life, I have struggled with two questions: how much could I be worth if my mom wasn’t willing to push through her depression, and why she did this to me? Neither question really has an answer—or at least an answer that would be worthwhile, given the fact that it wouldn’t bring her back or make this never-ending pain go away.

I have only had two real conversations about my mom and what happened to her. The first occurred in January of 1996 when I was a senior in high school. I had been snooping around my father’s things and stumbled upon her death certificate. I knew my mother committed suicide with a gun, but reading the death certificate meant learning for the first time what exactly had happened without any sugar-coating. After reading it, I felt like my already shaky existence was thrown into a whirlwind of more self-doubt and even greater grief. I told my father what I had found and that sparked the first and the last conversation we had about her. I could tell it was hard for him to talk about, just as it was hard for me to hear. I didn’t want to press him on it because I felt maybe it was easier on both of us if we just avoided the talk so we could pretend the pain wasn’t there.

The second conversation was in 2000 with my grandmother—the first time I had asked her about my mom. She told me some fun stories and tried to fill in some blanks, but she knew that a few hours of a conversation wouldn’t erase the two decades of time I had lost with my mother.

I have never blamed my mother’s death on the gun itself. However, I do wonder if things would have been different had she not had access to it since she had a long history of depression. Suicide is often an act of impulse; if that gun hadn’t been there maybe she would have pushed through that low point and been alive today. Suicide attempts committed with a firearm are twenty-one times more likely to result in a fatality than several other methods, including suffocation (69%), falls (31%), and poisoning/overdose (2%). When parents store their guns safely, they dramatically lower the chance of accidental shootings and suicides in their homes. But more than two million American children live in homes with unsecured guns, and for them and their families, preventable deaths are a real threat.

I wish I could go back in time and tell my grandparents to secure that gun so my mom couldn’t get to it. I wish I could have told my mom everything was going to be okay and that I was worth living for… but I can’t. I have to live every day with lingering, unanswerable questions.

I don’t wish this pain or the emptiness I often feel on my worst enemy. My father eventually remarried and, while my new mom has been a godsend, I will always long for the opportunity to hug my mom, to kiss her, to take in her smell and the way she feels, to know her, to see myself in her, to have her meet her grandkids. I want something to remember her by other than old pictures, which usually just trigger a wave of nearly unbearable emotion. Her suicide robbed me of part of myself.

Despite a difficult start to my life, I have been very fortunate. I am married with three awesome kids. My wife loves me, even with this burden I have to bear. There is an immense amount of security and reassurance in that alone.

Beyond my wife and kids, I also find comfort in helping others who have been personally affected by gun violence. Recently, I became a volunteer Survivor Outreach Leader for Moms Demand Action and Everytown for Gun Safety in Wisconsin. In this role, I am connecting with family members of victims and survivors of gun violence to give them support and help them, if they choose, to become advocates for gun safety.

Before my involvement with Everytown, I practically never spoke about or even let myself think of my mother. But, during the training for the position, I had the opportunity to meet others who had been through similar tragedies, and I shared my story with them, confronting it head on. The support I received—and continue to receive—from them has empowered me in ways I never could have imagined. I didn’t know that my experience was something I could open up to anyone about, and learning that I’m not alone in this journey has made all the difference to me. I am looking forward to providing this same support to others.

Addendum (added by Baldr): 

Call 911 if you are in imminent danger to yourself or others, or

Call 1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-8255

I, too, have lost a friend to a suicidal shooting.  Please see HERE for a list of suicide warning signs. See HERE for statistics around suicide and guns.  For more information, see also the Ceasefire Oregon Education Foundation WEBPAGE for suicide prevention.  

Every life is precious, including yours.

Survivor Story: Liz Hjelmseth

Today we have a guest post from Liz Hjelmseth, who, as a child, survived being shot by her brother.  Below is her survivor story and how the event has changed her life.  She now works to help prevent other such shootings as an organizer for her local Moms Demand Action chapter.

Liz Hjelmseth as a child

I was 8 years old the Halloween my brother shot me in a fight over my cat. As I hopped off to the bathroom to die in the bathtub, thinking it would be easier for my Mom to clean up, he followed behind me apologizing and telling me he didn’t mean to do it. That was the very last time words were ever passed between us about the shooting. 

We went into shock together but luckily my sister was home and she knew what to do. Miracles happened that day, living through it was the one I cherish the most. Me living through it, my brother living through it and my family living through it. All of those miracles were not a given the moment my teenaged brother, who was not thinking straight because of a flash of anger, went to another room got a gun that was improperly stored, lifted it in anger, pointed it hastily and pulled the trigger.

Extraordinary measures were taken to keep me alive. I slept through most of that. I woke days later to hear the story of my shooting, the story that would be repeated over and over, the one my brother and I knew was not true. The story was my brother was playing with a gun he didn’t know was loaded, it accidentally went off, striking me. So to the world it was playing and accidental, something we can all have a good laugh about and a shrug of the shoulder and go on. Playing is fun right? Accidents are not worthy of our scrutiny because they are no one’s fault they are unpreventable. No one ever asked me what my version of the story was and I didn’t offer it.

That story most likely held us together as a family and for that I will be forever thankful. The story did have consequences though. I think about the little me going off to bed every night, never able to sleep very well, always afraid someone was going to kill me. My parents would repeat over and over, “No one is going to kill you Lizzy. Why would you think that?” Maybe because every night I had to go to bed knowing the person sleeping in the room next to mine did try to kill me, but we never spoke those words. During the day I could live the story but at night, when your brain leaves you open to truths, I could not keep faithful to the story and so I stayed awake, holding vigil. I held vigil for 22 years until I couldn’t do it any longer. I gave my version of the shooting at age 30 to my family. The healing started and it continues today. The shooting has been re-categorized as a terrible thing that happened, still with very little fault.

What I have come to realize is accidents don’t happen with guns. Guns have one purpose, to kill, and so if you pick one up and handle it carelessly and it does exactly what it is designed to do there is no accident. If you are an adult that leaves guns lying around and a child gets one and shoots themselves or someone else that is no accident, you are at fault.

Next time you hear the news anchor say these words, “A child was accidentally shot today…” know there are no accidents. There is a story that child and family will live but that story is no accident.

Survivor Story: Allen Wayne McNeil

Shooting survivor Allen Wayne McNeil

Today we have a survivor story from guest blogger Allen Wayne McNeil.  In 2012, he survived being shot three times in front of his residence, in Mobile, Alabama.  Wayne is now an advocate for stronger gun regulation to keep others from being victims.  Here is the account, in his own words, of his harrowing experience....

On October 10^th 2012, I became a victim of gun violence in America. I have never tried to collect all of my thoughts and recollections about the experience in one place.  Perhaps now is the time.

I came home from work later than usual that evening and settled into the swing underneath the large old oak tree in my front yard to wind down. My former neighborhood was not one of the better in midtown Mobile, AL, but I had lived there for 10 years and thought nothing of being outside after dark. I suppose it was this complacency that contributed in at least a small part to being shot that evening. I was listening to music through headphones, blissfully unaware of the world around me. 

Deciding at around 11:30pm that it was getting late, I got out of the swing and headed to the front door of my house and heard what I though was a firecracker explode. I turned towards the sound and saw two men walking down the side walk.  I continued towards the door and heard a second firecracker go off, the men were following me. With the second blast I remember thinking “why are they throwing these things at me?” There was an odd sensation of air being compressed around my torso paired with what felt like an equal expansion inside my body. Somewhere in the next few seconds I saw the gun and began to realize they were shooting at me (at this point I had been shot once through the upper arm and once through my chest.) I tripped over a planter and fell down with my back to the door. I do not remember any details about my shooters appearance, but I will never forget him asking “do you like my gun” holding it out towards me to see. I raised my arm to shield myself and felt the third bullet hit my body, just below my armpit. It was in this moment that I knew they would just keep shooting me over and over if I didn’t get inside the house. I reached up and opened the door and crawled inside. 

Once inside the house I stood up, walked over to the table and grabbed a shirt to press against my wounds. I saw the terrified look on my roommate’s face from where she stood at the end of the hallway. It was in this moment that fear became a part of the whole experience. I started to walk towards her, she was telling me to lie down and stay still. I was so fevered and kept asking for a wet washcloth. (I later learned a few weeks later that she was afraid they would fire into the house and was frightened to walk to the bathroom to get me the washcloth.)

As I lay on the tile floor, I felt the most intense pain in my abdomen, weird cramps that would not subside. I started to think of all of the things that I hadn’t finished that week and thought “is this what it feels like to die?” I wondered how long it would take the paramedics to arrive. Next a fairly calm belief that “this isn’t all I get, I will wake up tomorrow” settled over me.

I guess about 15 minutes from the first shot being fired the police arrived and began asking me

questions, shortly after the ambulance was outside. I answered questions as thoroughly as I could in the pain and confusion. While the EMT’s were attending to me on the ambulance, I remember asking them “to keep me alive until we get to the hospital.” I guess I was in surgery by 12:00 am. Here is where the events become less detailed, I recall hearing voices, being awake, seeing bright hospital lights. I regained consciousness the next day in the ICU.

The bullet removed from Wayne McNeil's back.

The shooters used a 9mm handgun and three bullets went through my body, hitting one lung, stomach, liver, and destroying my gallbladder. The third bullet lodged in the small of my back about 2” from my spine. It was removed a few weeks later and I have it as a souvenir of sorts. My torso bears a myriad of scars both from the bullets and surgery. I remained in the hospital for eight days, spent the next two weeks recovering at family and friends' homes. During that recovery period my house was packed up and moved to a new neighborhood. Three and half weeks later I went back to work.  

I feel so fortunate to have survived this ordeal and to be able to lend my voice to the debate of gun control issues in our country. Mostly I feel lucky that anger and fear aren’t a part of the emotions I have about becoming a victim. In some regards it is hard to even view myself as a victim, when I woke up in the hospital I was surrounded by an endless stream of family and friends. Mobile, particularly historic downtown where I have worked for years, rallied behind my recovery. I felt and still feel so much more love than pain.

To present date the shooters have not been identified by the police, the case is still open but not actively being investigated. The crime was officially listed as attempted robbery, though the criminals never asked for nor tried to take anything. I have wondered if, (and in fair disclosure… this is pure speculation on my part,) listing my shooting as attempted robbery somehow makes the crime rate in Mobile, AL look better, statistically.

It has taken me almost two years to feel comfortable talking about my experience publicly. The questions I am left with have less to do with whether or not my shooters will ever be caught, and more to do with how we solve this problem. Before being shot I was always in favor of gun control reform, but now I feel compelled to be an active participant in asking for sensible legislation that will ensure that unnecessary deaths do not happen. I am currently trying to find the best way to represent and advocate gun crime victims and survivors. I hope I can be a part of making positive changes in the way we think about guns and crime in America.

My name is Allen Wayne McNeil, I became a gun violence victim of October 10^th 2012 and when I woke up on the 11^th I became a survivor!

ADDENDUM (from Baldr): Thank you, Wayne, for sharing your story.  It takes courage to do so, yet can make such a difference, for the voices of survivors and the families of victims are the strongest to call for commonsense gun regulation.

Wayne McNeil's is one of a number of survivor stories posted here at New Trajectory.  You can also find others, or add your own survival story or the story of loved ones injured or killed by gun violence, at the links found in one of my previous posts, HERE.

Where To Find First-Hand Accounts Of Shootings From Survivors And Families Of Victims

(UPDATED -- see below)

Here at New Trajectory there have been a number of survivor story postings, both as guest blog posts from survivors and the families of shooting victims, and as mentions of where to find such stories.  You can find these HERE.  The first of those was my own account (I was not wounded, but was intimately involved in a shooting in my youth).

But since the Sandy Hook shooting, there has been renewed attention on the issue of gun violence in general, and the dramatic impact that the daily shooting carnage has wrought on our society, including the posting of survivor stories at a number of sites, usually by the survivors themselves or families of victims.

Here are some important pages where you can find these (Click on the name of the page to link to it):

FACES OF COURAGE:  Put together by Moms Demand Action for Gunsense In America, this is a

Screencap from the Organizing for Action page.

collection of accounts by surviving family members for all sorts of shootings, including suicides.  You can add your own story here.

STORIES ABOUT GUN VIOLENCE:  A page put together by Barack Obama's organization, Organizing for Action.  Here you can find accounts, and even videos, by survivors of shootings and families of victims.  You can add your own story here, too.

I DEMAND ACTION:  A page set up by Mayors Against Illegal Guns, which has a number of videos by people giving their first-hand accounts of how gun violence has affected their lives.

HOW LONG WILL I CRY?  VOICES OF YOUTH VIOLENCE:  This is a collection of first-hand accounts of gun violence in Chicago put together by students from DePaul University who fanned out across the city to collect and publish accounts from survivors and family members.

If you are a shooting survivor, or are the family of a survivor or shooting victim, I urge you to add your voice to the first two websites.  Yours are the most powerful voices calling for a reform to our out-of-control culture of gun violence.  

Let's work together to create a new trajectory for our communities away from gun violence.


UPDATE (4/18/14):  A new gun violence prevention site, Everytown for Gun Safety, also has a section for Survivors where you can share your story (scroll to the bottom of the page).  If you are a survivor or family of a victim, please add your story here.  Presumably these will be public at some point in the near future.

ADDENDUM (6/12/14):  Read in an article by Slate.com about family members of those lost to gun violence who continually advocate for changing our nation away from gun violence.  Said one family member, Sandy Philips, “You allow your heart to be broken every day you tell your story because you need someone else to understand the heartbreak that is part of this.”

UPDATE (7/14/14):  Rolling Stone online now has a page for "America's Gun Violence Epidemic."  There you can find a large number of survivor stories as well as a form where you can describe how gun violence has affected you.

UPDATE (3/14/15):  Photographer Joe Quint has put together moving photos of shooting survivors and victim families.  See here:  http://www.ittakes.us/faces-of-gun-violencehttp://www.ittakes.us/faces-of-gun-violence .

UPDATE (11/16/15):  Some survivors are sharing photos of themselves and family members as part of the #NotOneMore movement.

UPDATE (6/21/17): More survivor stories from the "Journey of a Bullet" site: http://www.nbcnews.com/specials/journey-of-a-bullet

UPDATE (12/30/17): Everytown has a page of first-hand accounts from those who have lost loved ones to suicide:  https://everytown.org/suicide-prevention/ 

Pro-Gun Extremists Crash A Remembrance Ceremony For The Aurora Shooting

(UPDATED -- see below)

Today, July 20, is the one-year anniversary of the Aurora, Colorado, mass shooting. 17 people were shot dead, and another 70 were injured, including children.  20 minutes into the movie, a mentally ill man, James Eagan Holmes, burst in and opened fire.  As with so many other mass shootings, Holmes was heavily armed with a semi-assault rifle with an extended ammo clip (holding 100 rounds!), a shotgun, and handgun, and armored with a ballistics vest and helmet.  It was the single largest shooting by a lone gunman in American history, when you include both dead and injured.

What followed were statements from those of us calling, once again, for common sense gun laws to curtail such shootings, a statement from the President, and the burials and memorial services across the nation.  Since then, the state of Colorado has enacted sensible reforms. 

And what did the pro-gun side try do after the slaughter?  Did they propose anything to reduce availability of guns to lunatics?  Of course not.  Instead, they pounded their chests about how, if only they could have been there with concealed handguns, they would have saved the day.  They tried to ignore the shooting.  They opposed any reforms (even to the point of attempting a recall on politicians that supported reforms there).  And, of course, there were the inevitable wacko pro-gun conspiracy theories that there was an unseen accomplice helping Holmes, that the “Illuminati” were behind it, or even that the government had staged the whole thing to promote “gun control,” all of which were really attempts to sidetrack the debate about what should really be done. 

Given the trauma suffered by Aurora, and the sheer number of dead and injured, it is only fitting and proper to have a remembrance ceremony to remember the event one year later and those who, living and dead, experienced the horror of it.  Naturally there will be a reading of names of victims, words about them, and statements about what people feel should be done to prevent another madman from carrying out such a deed again.

One remembrance ceremony will be held at the Cherry Creek State Park in Aurora, sponsored by Mayors Against Illegal Guns (MAIG), and will include the reading of names, not just of Aurora victims, but all victims who have died to gun violence since the Sandy Hook shooting, too.  It’s a chance for the community to come together in remembrance and to discuss what can be done to stop it from happening again.  It is one stop on a trip with multiple stops for a MAIG bus.

And what is the gun lobby doing?  Are they joining in the remembrance?  Holding one of their own?  Of course not.  Acknowledging the deaths of innocents is too inconvenient for their “more guns in more places” argument.  Instead, they’re staging a protest within sight of the remembrance ceremony.  Rude and offensive!  And it’s complements of a pro-gun extremist group, Rocky Mountain Gun Owners (which bills itself as "Colorado's only no-compromise gun rights organization"), and advertised by Ammoland.com. 

From an article:

Dudley Brown, executive director of Rocky Mountain Gun Owners, denied his group was being insensitive and said his members would be respectful. 

He accused Mayors Against Illegal Guns and its founder, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, of politicizing the Aurora massacre to promote gun control. 

"Mayor Bloomberg is using this tragedy and walking all over graves to get to the microphone," Brown said.

Nevermind that Mayor Bloomberg won’t be there.

And how, exactly, is this “walking all over graves” when victims and their families are taking part in the ceremony?

Stephen Barton is one of those survivors from the Aurora shooting who will be attending.  He is now part of MAIG.  In an email to supporters, he wrote about the Aurora remembrance ceremony:

One year ago today, I stopped in Aurora, Colorado on a cross-country bike trip with my best friend. We decided to go to a midnight showing of the new Batman movie, and that's how I became a survivor of gun violence. 

I was shot with more than two dozen shotgun pellets in the face, neck, hands, chest, shoulder, and forearm. But I was lucky. I survived, and I've spent the past year working to keep what happened to me from happening to other Americans. 

In that year, Colorado has led the way by passing common-sense public safety laws. Sadly, our leaders in Washington have done nothing to follow that lead and keep guns out of the hands of dangerous people. Today, I'm asking you to remember those who died in Aurora and demand action from our members of Congress.

The pro-gunners responded to Barton with rude and offensive statements.  Here is what one had to say to Barton on a pro-gun online forum:

Your first mistake was going to a theater in a “Gun Free Zone” where only criminals will be carrying. Plus, what does getting shot with a shotgun have to do with semi-auto rifles? Your problem is you don’t have a man card.

Said another there:

Sweet. If someone takes a shot at me, Stephen Barton will be there to jump in front of the bullet. 

Sounds like a win for everybody.

Comments on the bus tour at another pro-gun online forum were equally as rude and offensive.  Said one:

Ya know....roofing nails have this uncanny habit of landing "point-up" when they fall off your back tail gate.....just saying

Said another:

People outta egg the SOBs bus as it drives by, followed by a Brooklyn salute. 

Sadly, the gun lobby has suggested throwing eggs at the MAIG bus as it arrives.  Just check out the banner

they are passing around online from Ammoland (see picture, at right).  Just another example of their rudeness and confrontational behavior.

It’s increasingly common for the pro-gun lobby and their extremist supporters to engage in such thoughtless behavior.  The public is turning against their failed and dangerous philosophy.  Naturally that makes them feel threatened, leading to increasingly confrontational behavior.  Showing up with openly-carried guns at state capitals and gun violence prevention rallies.  So their attempt the throw the remembrance ceremony in Aurora comes as no surprise.  After all, it is hardly surprising that people who carry guns around and prepare themselves to kill people with them would be willing to rudely confront those who think it’s a bad idea.

I think a Colorado state representative from Aurora, and mother of a shooting victim, sums it up best when she talked about the pro-gun plan to crash the remembrance ceremony:

"I think it's a slap in the face of the people who are suffering the loss of a loved one," said state Rep. Rhonda Fields, a Democrat from Aurora. Fields' district includes the theater where 12 people were killed and 70 injured one year ago Saturday, and she plans to participate in the remembrance ceremony. 

Fields' son was shot and killed in 2005 to keep him from testifying in a murder trial.

The gun guys only hurt their own cause.  Personally, I hope they continue to do so.  It puts on exhibit to the public the reprehensible behavior I see from them online every day.


UPDATE (7/20/13):  Both the remembrance ceremony and the pro-gun protest occurred as planned.  At one point, one of the pro-gun protesters stood behind the ceremony podium with a protest sign until rangers made him move.  Naturally, some of the pro-gun guys had their guns with them, including the protest organizer, and wore shirts that read "We will not comply" (implying that they would be willing to break any gun-related law if they don't agree with it, since they are pro-criminal).  

Many survivors and victims' family members spoke.  Their statements, from the article:

"I think that Coloradans get it, that something must change," said Tom Sullivan, whose son Alex was killed in the theater. ...  

For his part, Stephen Barton, who was wounded in Aurora, said, "You shouldn't wait until it affects you to start caring about it." 

"I never thought I would ever be affected by gun violence personally," Barton added.  ... 

"Why wait any longer?" asked Carlee Soto, whose sister was killed at the Sandy Hook Elementary School rampage in Newtown, Conn. "The time for change is now."  ...

More statements, from another article and video of the event, which has further comments from survivors and families of victims:

Barton was joined at the remembrance event by Coni Sanders, a daughter of teacher Dave Sanders, who was one of 13 people who died when two teenaged gunmen opened fire at Columbine High School on April 20, 1999.

"Today, my father stands with me," she said. "He died saving hundreds of students and saving other families from the horror we experience every day."  ... 

Tom Sullivan, whose son, Alex, was killed last year in Aurora, wondered aloud how long the debate about unrestricted access to guns must continue. "There must be common-sense solutions to these issues."

HERE is video of Aurora survivor Stephen Barton telling his story:

.

Survivor Story: Vicki G.

Shooting survivor Vicki G.

Today we have a survivor story from guest blogger Vicki G..  As she describes below, in 1991 she was shot three times in the back by a bank robber.  22 years later, she still suffers daily from debilitating pain which threatens her livelihood in Emergency Medicine, as a result of the wounds she received.  Now living in Ohio, Vicki supports gun violence prevention organizations in an effort to keep fewer people from suffering as she does.  Here is her survivor story....

I’m a Paramedic and ECG Technician, but I’m in the process of losing my job again. As a direct result of the damage my gunshot wound caused me, I haven’t been able to work full time since it happened. I miss too many days due to excessive pain.

I never considered guns and ammunition as anything other than something my brother, who has 20 rifles, used for catching game that he brought home and my mom cooked for dinner. He knew how to handle a gun and treated it with more respect than the guy who shot me did. To my brother, hunting was a sport for which you need to buy rifles and crossbow. He wasn’t obsessed with firearms, as the guy who shot me demonstrated was the case with him.

When I was in 9^th grade there was a shooting at my school, one student shot another in the back for reasons I still don’t understand. After the shooting, a metal detector was placed at the front door of our school and that simple solution ended most of my concerns about gun violence.

I became reluctantly re-acquainted with the issue of gun safety on a December day in 1991, in West Hollywood, California. I went into my bank to cash a check from my second job, and three guys entered a few minutes behind me dressed in trench coats, which they dropped in unison; one started shooting out security cameras while the other two barred all the exits with something they declared was explosive if you stretch the wire it was attached to and “would kill anybody DUMB enough to try breaking out."

The one I came to view as their leader shot out the cameras with a sawed-off shotgun and another guy, with a gun that looked like it came straight off a military base, told us to gather together and don’t talk or do anything stupid. He informed us that his gun could shoot more than 150 bullets in 5 minutes, which I didn’t believe then, but the idea of ONE bullet entering my body daunted ME so I was prepared to do ANYthing they asked.

“All right you losers, “ he shouted, “this is a HOLDUP. Everyone get together in front of the counter but DON’T try anything stupid or the rest of these people will watch me blow your freakin’ brains out.”

One of the tellers didn’t move fast enough, and the lead robber shot him for it, surprising the guy who’d just threatened to blow out our brains with all the bullets his weapon could release; the leader would be the only robber who did any shooting of people.

The teller lay wounded for the next 5 hours, while the leader held us hostage for what the teller had done: pressed some silent alarm and alerted police.

While they were tying us together, one of the customers asked me who they were, as if I’d know. But the leader answered for me: “Who AM I? I’m your new Messiah, honey. Death angel with a gun.” Then he grinned in a way that reminded me of skeletons and graveyards.

I thought ‘Great. A REAL nut ball.’ Then wondered how the hell someone that imbalanced could get one gun, much less the arsenal that HE brought with him that day, including 3 other weapons besides the shotgun, a knife and several handmade explosives.

Little did I know they had no gun checks for people like him back then, that he could buy a gun without question by going to a gun show or making a private sale, avoiding the background check that would have proved he was on probation for a felony involving gun violence. They still have that loophole now, but I’ll return to it later.

For five hours he threatened the other hostages and me with his weapon, doing everything from holding it against my head and making me wonder if I’d ever see another sunrise to forcing me to stare down the barrel of his shotgun and demanding I tell him what I see.

It was pitch black all the way down the barrel. I had no idea what answer he was expecting, but I ventured a guess anyway since he obviously had the upper hand. “I don’t see ANYthing down there.”

“WRONG ANSWER!” he yelled, making me jump almost out of my skin.

“Bullets?” I managed.

He gave that death grin and said “You’re getting smarter by the minute. Now tell me where you think you’re going as soon as pull the trigger and blow out your brains.”

Up until that very moment in time, I’d always thought that I had a strong belief as to where I thought I was going after shedding the burden of this world for the ease of the next. But staring down the barrel of a sawed-off shotgun changed my mind; In less than a few seconds I went from positive to completely unsure of where I would go.

I told him I have no clue where I’m going, then started begging him not to shoot me. I felt like an idiot for displaying what he would have perceived as a weakness, but I no longer cared about anything other than living and couldn’t stop myself from doing it.

My life was saved because the phone rang. The Hostage Negotiator wanting to talk to the lead robber, who said no. Then the officer wanted to talk to a hostage to see if they were all right and for some reason the robber relented. He looked at all of us and picked the person who was closest to him, which was me. He dragged me over to the phone and said, “TALK to this cop. But don’t you dare say one wrong thing, or I’ll blow your head off and slit your throat, then THROW you out in the street for those fuckin’ pigs to stare at.”

Then: “Are you gonna say somethin’ wrong?”

I shook my head and he handed me the phone. The hostage negotiator provided me with a link to my sanity. His voice was so calm and controlled I was able to manage my emotions a teeny bit, and I started feeling gratitude for the SWAT Team right from that moment. I thought they were concerned about me, and I still think they cared about me.

The guy shot me while he was releasing me as the last hostage he set free. He said he had to and that it was “those cops’ fault ‘cause they didn’t leave when I told them to." One of his demands was that he wanted them to go back to headquarters, so he could do his heist and run free without their interference.

He shot me in the back three times with a .32 semi-automatic handgun. One of the bullets hit an area that contains a huge nerve network and damaged the one nerve along with causing radiating pain throughout the whole network. My doctor said that’s why the pain never diminishes.

They’ve tried everything to manage it. From leg braces and crutches to back injections and Physical Therapy. Most recently they added a T.E.N.S unit. That’s a box that comes with electrodes that are attached to patches I wear on my back so that a constant low wattage of electricity is sent through my back to manage the pain. So far it’s the only thing that’s worked but it works only 85 to 90% of the time. The other 10 to 15% is still really bad pain that prevents me from going to work consistently and thereafter losing my job. I lost my health care because I’m too high a risk and now have to use the only choice of insurance left, which isn’t a good insurance, but better than nothing.

Because of all these issues I have, I decided I would never wish on anyone else what I suffer on a daily basis.  The only way I can prove I’m serious is to care just what type of person can so easily get a gun that, even to this day, he STILL wouldn’t even have had to steal it. Criminals always choose the path of least resistance. They’re not going to steal a gun when they can buy one legally and not even have to worry about possible police involvement by way of tracing a stolen gun. They all have serial numbers on them these days, or some type of number, which makes them harder to steal. But having someone get one right under my nose “legally,” then shooting me and ruining the former life I had so that I can never do what I used to do, is way more than I’m willing to handle.

But I’m not the only one who needs to care about this issue. One of the doctors who works at the Trauma Center I used to work at summed the issue up best when he said, “A gunshot wound is totally preventable. We don’t HAVE to have gunshot wounds.”

Everyone, including responsible gun owners, needs to get angry enough about the senseless shootings that occur every day in this country and feel compelled to enact reasonable gun laws. There are ways to keep the wrong people from having easy access to a firearm without taking guns way from sensible gun owners. One of those ways is a Universal Background check, one done on everyone no matter who they are. No gun show exceptions, no personal sales exceptions.

Unfortunately, if respectable gun owners never feel the urge to do something, enacting reasonable gun laws will always be an uphill battle.

There are gun owners who already support this idea. You can find them on a Facebook page called Gun Owners for Gun Laws. I assume the people who started the page own their own firearms. Otherwise the title ‘Gun Owners for Gun Laws’ would make no sense.

I’ll always support sane alternatives to gun violence. It’s the one thing I can do that won’t cost me my job. Besides, doing something feels better than ignoring the problem. It’s obviously not going away until enough people get sick and tired of being sick and tired of gun violence.


ADDENDUM, from Vicki G.:  

I forgot to mention what their sentences were. 

One of them got 7 years for being an accomplice to robbery and two shootings. It was his first offense and he got out 5 years later, but he's never committed any other crimes since then.

The second got probation violation, which meant he had to serve out the rest of that sentence and then had felony robbery charges, weapons infractions charges and accomplice to two shootings. He ended up spending 15 years in prison and was released because his time was up. As far as I know, he hasn't committed any further crimes either, but he never did any of the shootings himself.

The third guy was guilty of Probation violation, weapons violations, felony robbery, hostage-taking, using a hostage as a shield (to stop police from following him) and shooting two people. He ended up being sentenced to 30 years in prison and he's only served 21 of them, but he wants out of prison as an Early Release prisoner even though he has no regrets for anything he's done. 

He's actually said he has no regrets. 

Anyway. That's their sentences as best I can remember them. It was a lot of information and back then I had mild traumatic brain injury from a near-death experience. I had great difficulty retaining memories.

I remember the shooter's sentence so well because right after it was given to him, he threatened to kill both the people he shot for putting him in prison.

That's why I don't want my last name given on my story.

Another Shooting Survivor Comes Out In Favor Of Gun Violence Prevention

After years of working to reduce gun violence, I've noticed a pattern: by and large those people who survive shootings come out in favor of tighter gun regulation.  Other than myself, take for example Colin Goddard, survivor of the Virginia Tech massacre, or Joseph Jaskolka, who survived a head wound from celebratory gunfire, or Stephen Barton, who survived the Aurora theater massacre.

I greatly enjoy talking with the public about gun issues.  The vast majority agree with me on the various gun violence prevention measures, such as requiring background checks for private gun sales.  In my conversations, I all-too-common come across people who have either been in shootings or have loved ones or friends who have been in shootings, some of whom died.  Not one of these people supported the sort of rhetoric spouted by the NRA or the gun guys.

Here's another one, Carl M. Hay, who just survived the Clackamas mall shooting here in Oregon.  He just had a letter to the editor published in the Oregonian, along with a number of other moving letters advocating for stronger gun control.  Here is Mr. Hay's letter:

As a survivor of the Clackamas Town Center shooting, I have a few thoughts about gun control. 

1. We cannot expect a "magic" solution that will stop these shootings. Watch out for arguments that say gun control cannot stop them, so we should do nothing or we should arm more people. 

2. Time is crucial. Anything we can do to slow the rate of gunfire will save lives. Smaller ammunition clips, for example, make a lot of sense. 

3. Access to assault weapons has to be limited by bans, stricter purchase laws, mandatory trigger locks, barrel locks or gun safes. 

4. If a weapon is stolen and used against people, and the owner has not protected it from theft, the owner must be held responsible. 

Anyone who has been in the direct line of fire coming from one of these assault rifles knows the incredible killing power that they have. That power, in my opinion, must be regulated. 

CARL M. HAY
Southeast Portland

There have been a very few instances, I've found, where gun guys will say they have been victims, but when I press it, they typically either refuse to say what the situation was, or they admit to having drawn their weapons first because they felt "threatened."  Almost never were they actually at the wrong end of a barrel at the start.  Yes, there are examples, but they are few and far between.  

Gee, I wonder why that is?  If we were like the gun-totin' advocates, shouldn't our experiences have made us paranoid of the "monsters" who "walk among us every single day" (as Wayne LaPierre recently said in his let's-militarize-our-schools presentation) and echo the NRA's "Circus of Fear?"

No.  Instead, it forces us to realize a very basic fact: the best way to stop a bad guy with a gun is to keep him from getting that gun in the first place, and to limit the killing power available to him.

Erin Neathery: When Is Enough, Enough?

Today we have a guest blogger, Erin Neathery.  Erin is a creative director from Arizona who lost her husband, Wayne Henschke, to suicide by self-inflicted gunshot wound in 1991.  Since then, she has become active in gun violence prevention as a member of Arizonans For Gun Safety, has advocated to keep guns off campus, and has coordinated events with the Brady Campaign Against Gun Violence.  Here are Erin's observations on how gun violence has affected her....

I always knew a gun would alter my life. I have no idea how I knew, but I did. One of the most vivid dreams I ever had was when I was just 18 or 19 years old. I saw myself, clearly older, sitting in a chair, rocking a child, and I was staring into the barrel of a gun. Who was holding it? I had no clue. But the dream disturbed me enough that I wrote it down.  And I remembered it years later, when a single gunshot shattered my life. In an instant, my husband was gone.

While I never had a burning desire to have children, I liked knowing I could do so one day. But my ovaries became diseased while I was still very young; and so my fertility and eventually the ovaries themselves, were gone. The child in my dream did not exist, and never would.

When the subject of children comes up, I exclaim, “Oh, my gosh! I forgot to have them!” Over the past 19 years, I’ve gotten pretty good at the acceptable responses. I know most people don’t mean to hurt by their words. I shrug it off most days, and I consider all children my own. I don’t have to be a parent to know they are precious.

IT, the bullet, the suicide, the aftermath, is something I rarely speak about anymore, and the few people who do know tend to forget it is part of my fabric. I try to never let it show. Some days it’s hard, like when people say things in passing like “I’m going to shoot myself.” Or do that awful pantomime where they make the gun with one hand, and mimic the bloodshed with the other. I just pretend to not really hear the words, or worse, visibly wince at the gesture. But each time I turn on the news, IT is all brought back fresh. Another life wasted. More lives shattered. More dreams destroyed.

And the pain is always there. It’s not all internal. It shows on my outside, through extra weight I carry, and in health issues stemming from prolonged periods of intense, unimaginable stress. On certain days, the pain is just lurking beneath the surface. And I’m never sure when those days will be.

When I am under stress, I dream of being chased; fleeing for my life. I am being hunted methodically and then I am shot point blank, or I am trying to protect loved ones (usually my nieces and nephews) from some unknown assailant’s bullets, shielding them with my own body as best as I can, trying to save them. Those dreams stick with me for a while before I can shake it off again, and go back to “normal”. I never talk about those.

Today, I understand that I suffer from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), although I would be considered as very high functioning. It’s something I only recently recognized. I saw aspects of myself in the story of friend, who was brave enough to write a book in hopes of helping others. (She did. And is.) My self-diagnosis was confirmed by a doctor, years after the onset. What I do with that, I don’t know. But at least I can stop silently berating myself for not being over something that it may not be possible to “get over” because it has literally become part of my biological chemistry.

Yep, this girl has baggage that was thrust upon her by someone else’s actions, someone else’s undiagnosed, untended mental illness; one that ended for him that cold night in September, 1992 when he put a single bullet through his head at our home, leaving behind a huge pool of blood, bone and brain matter spattered everywhere, and an indelible stain on my life. I could have just as easily been a casualty that night. Actually, I was. I just wasn’t part of the body count. Nor were all the others who were affected by his death. The ripple, the aftershock, spreads further than you might imagine.

In more recent years, the sudden descent into the depths of mental illness happened twice within my own family, and I learned firsthand about the perils of the human mind unhinged, our health care system, and of just how far you have to push to get help for those who need it the most. Their right to be crazy trumps your right to try to get them proper treatment, to save them.

And so I’m still waiting for my pain to stop. I’ve had enough. I don’t mean that in the sense that I would put my family and friends through the type of suffering I have gone through. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, as the saying goes.

What I do I mean is that I am sick and tired of people going around shooting themselves and shooting one another, simply because they can access a gun. Even worse, they can get hold of big, juicy ammo clips that hold an awful lot of death and destruction, and then go forth and wreak as much death and destruction as they possibly can before they “punch their own ticket”, as my father says, or someone else puts a bullet into them.

That’s a tremendous amount of power and responsibility to hand out to whomever decides they want it and shouts that they have a right to wield it. No matter which side they’re on. Our forefathers would shudder at what we’ve become in their name.

I long to put my baggage down, but I’ve finally realized that the only way I can possibly do so is by picking up the proverbial pen and speaking out. I’ve made my living, and continue to do so, by writing for an ad agency. Over the 25+ years of my career, I’ve learned that every sales problem can be boiled down to a single point. “What’s the pain?” we ask. In this case, the pain is literal, the pain is widespread, and it’s time we talked about it. It’s time we stopped letting a relatively small group of powerful lobbyists for the NRA tell us we don’t matter, they will not negotiate EVER on gun control so don’t even TRY to take away our precious assault rifles or big juicy ammo clips again. I say BULLSHIT. The time for us to be heard and FIGHT is NOW.

So here I sit. Deciding to stop pretending it’s all OK, and asking myself what is the point of me, of anyone, having to suffer like this if we don’t learn from it; grow from it; effect CHANGE so that others don’t have to go through it. Indeed. And what about our collective pain? The things we’ve been touched by and grieved as a nation in my lifetime alone?

Dallas. The McDonald’s Massacre. Columbine. Memphis. Luby’s Cafeteria. Omaha. Virginia Tech. The Amish School. These sit at the top of my consciousness, but sadly, no, horrifically, there is no end to the daily madness and death toll by gun. Especially not for those directly involved. The people left behind after the news cycle. The ones left behind as the door closes quietly as the police take their leave. The ones who slump to the floor, trying to figure out whom to call first to break the terrible, awful, blood soaked news even as their hands shake uncontrollably, too unsteady to dial the phone. The ones trying desperately to learn how to simply keep going in the aftermath.

It’s so easy and so simple for people to push away the reality when it’s someone else’s child. Someone else’s father. Brother. Sister. Wife. Husband. Mother. Daughter. Son. Friend. It’s time to stop pushing things away, and start pushing for change.

And so I ask you, when is enough, enough?

And then there was Tucson. In the aftermath, our President challenged us all to be better people. To make this country a place that lives up to the expectations of a nine-year-old child who was born on the day this nation was stricken by an incomprehensible tragedy. A child who died on the day this nation was stricken by an incomprehensible tragedy. A child who we CANNOT allow to have died in vain.

Many died that day; others lived, and their stories were heart wrenching; they were valiant and most of all, they hit home. The young intern, who cradled Gabby Giffords to his chest and tried to staunch the flow of blood from her head.

The elderly man who shielded his wife’s body with his own. He gave his life so that she might live.

The mother who threw herself in front of her teen daughter, and was shot three times. My nightmare, playing out in full, bloody Technicolor. In real life, they both lived.

The kindly family friend who brought a bright, inquisitive nine-year-old girl to see their Congresswoman. Whose anguish at not being able to save this beautiful child entrusted to her care haunts her, even as she struggles to recover from three bullet wounds.

The two men who pinned the gunman to the ground, even as he struggled to reload.

The middle-aged mom who wrested a big fat, juicy clip full of death from the hands of the gunman as he struggled to reload.

The gunman, who was once a nine-year-old boy, the embodiment of the hopes and dreams of his parents. Now he’s forever the child who slipped away into madness, and took others with him.

These people are not someone else. They’re our family. Our neighbors. Our friends. THEY ARE US.

So when will enough be enough?

I’m sick and tired of hearing hateful words pouring out of people, and in turn, feeling hateful by being exposed to it. I’m sick and tired of ignorance and fear. I’m sick and tired of seeing homeless people who are clearly mentally ill, and who are homeless primarily because there is no health care available for them.

I’m sick and tired of the NRA shouting about the constitution and their Second Amendment rights and of zealots touting Second Amendment remedies. I’m sick and tired of politics and divisiveness and “us and them” mentality. We are ALL human. WE. ARE. ALL. HUMAN.

Since I was nine, more than one million sons, daughters, moms, dads, wives and husbands, neighbors and friends have been killed though gun violence and suicide by gun. ONE MILLION. And I look at my soon to be nine-year-old nephew, and I pray that he doesn't have to live in a world where this is acceptable, where this is the norm. I pray the same for the child down the block. And down the next one, and the next, to Tucson, and beyond. I don’t have to be a parent to know they are precious.

We don't have to live in a world where this is the norm. Why, I ask, is this acceptable? It’s NOT. We have to make a choice. Can we please have a civil discussion about what we want our society, and our lives and our children’s world to be like going forward?

We are Columbine. We are Virginia Tech. We are Tucson. We are human.

Don’t push away the reality because it’s someone else’s child. Someone else’s father. Brother. Sister. Wife. Husband. Mother. Daughter. Son. Friend.

It could just as easily be you, or someone you love. And if it were, would it be enough then?

When is enough, enough?

Please, please, let it be NOW.

Since the Tucson shooting on January 9, 2011, there have been more than 61 mass shootings.

ADDENDUM (From Baldr):  If you know someone who is suicidal, there are some commonsense steps you can take to prevent tragedy.  The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is an excellent source to learn about suicide prevention and warning signs.  Go here to find out about the risk factors and warning signs.  Click here to find out what you can do to help prevent suicide.  The C.A.R.E.S. suicide prevention organization is also a great resource.