Monday, October 10, 2011

Accessories for the Gun Fetishist

Back in July I posted a blog entitled "You're Probably A Pro-Gun Extremist If ...." which listed some very good indicators that you may fall into that category.  I consider it a public service.  To treat a problem you first have to realize you have a problem, right?

Well, another sign that you may be a pro-gun extremist is if you have paraphernalia proudly displayed around your home which advertises your fetish for guns.  No, I'm not talking about NRA hats or bumper stickers, or that nicely displayed collection of antique six-shooters, or the new laser sight you bought.  I'm talking about everyday items that now have to have a gun theme, items which proudly proclaim, "Guns are in my everyday thoughts!  Come to my home, where everything should be gun-related!"

For instance, lighting.  Here's a great gallery of lamps which feature guns as the stand.  Name your category, they have it:  Tommy guns, semi-auto handguns, revolvers, assault rifles.  Some are chrome, others golden.  One even states at the base, "Happiness is a hot gun."  Ah, nothing says "cozy home furnishings" more than that!  And here's a gun lamp that goes even further.  Just aim the gun and pull the trigger and the lamp turns off, knocking the shade askew.  Yay!  Now you can live out a snippet of your home invasion fantasy every time you fall asleep.  Sweet dreams!

And you can wake up to your home defense fantasies, too, with a shooting alarm clock!  In fact, there are TWO to choose from.  One is sorta old fashioned, with a gun that is actually attached to the clock.  But more impressive is this newer one with a pop-up target, which has "bang" sounds, a countdown for shooting, and a voice that tells you how excellent your shooting was.  Heck, nothing is better to wake up to than gunfire, right?

Once you're awake, it's time to get dressed.  Put on your Ted Nugent shirt and NRA cap... but wait!  What about the shoes, ladies?  Why, now you can get stylish with these pumps that feature handguns as the high heels!  There's plenty of styles to choose from.  And where will you hide your concealed firearm?  Putting it in your purse is so passé.  How about in your bra?  Yes, with the Flashbang holster, you can put your small semi-auto handgun in the front between your breasts.  With a hand up your shirt and a quick-release, you can be defending yourself in style!  As they say, "Nothing comes between a woman and her gun!"  And for those who fumble, it doubles as a do-it-yourself mastectomy kit, too!

Now it's time to step out for a quick smoke.  No self-respecting gun owning smoker would be without a gun lighter, right?  Aw, aren't they cute?  Now you can light up while, at the same time, proclaiming your love of fire AND firearms!  Shucks, why not go all out and get one that looks like the real thing?  What's the harm in it?  Of course people DIE because they mistake real guns for lighters.  Like this case, or this one, or this one.  Eh, who cares?  It's not illegal or immoral for such things to be made.  We've got our rights, you know!  And you're smokin' in style, too!

But even if you shoot yourself to death with your real-gun-you-thought-was-a-lighter, you can even express your gun fetish after your death!  You could, for instance, have a coffin made out of smashed guns.  But I think a more touching expression of your gun fetish would be to pack your ashes into live bullets.  Yes, that's right, for one low, low price of $850 you can have your ashes put into 250 shotgun shells.  Said one of the turkey-hunting inventors about what his friends could do with his ashes and what they would think, "He could rest in peace, knowing that one more turkey, the last thing he saw, was Clem screaming at him at 900 feet per second."  Or you could go with 100 high-caliber rounds, or pistol rounds, etc.  Heck, they could have a 21-gun salute at your memorial service and have people shoot you sky-high.  Glamorize guns even after you die!  Nothing says you love Second Amendment rights, to whatever extreme, more than the combined smell of gunpowder and human remains.


  1. Love this one. Thanks for writing it. It shows how crazy some gun rights extremists really are.

  2. I've seen most of these items on gun blogs--with most of them getting as much ridicule there as you're giving them. The target audience is people who don't have real guns, but think guns are edgy.

  3. Good to know, Sevesteen.

    Do you agree that firearms should be treated seriously and that these products unnecessarily glamorize them?

  4. Baldr, do you even KNOW any gun owners on a personal level?

  5. Indeed I do, Anonymous, including some of my family and closest friends.

  6. Anonymous, I should add that none of my friends or relatives are what I consider to be pro-gun extremists. They support stricter gun control legislation, as do most gun owners, and don't have gun paraphernalia that I know of.

  7. I don't think Sevesteen is right about that. I've known guys who were into guns and loved the accessories, belt buckles, tattoos, and any of those gizmos you pictured.

    However, I don't think that would have anything to do with whether or not they were responsible and safe people.

  8. I'm a gun enthusiast. The items that you've shown in this post are, for the most part, silly, but you could find something equally silly in any other category of consumer goods. Freedom means putting up with a little foolishness.

    Since comments on your "You Might Be A Pro-gun Extremist If" article appear to be closed, I'll answer your questions here.

    1. I think that the Second Amendment was written to recognize the rights of free citizens. We don't live in a tyranny, so there's no need for wild talk. We overthrow politicans at the ballot box.

    2. I don't have children. Color is about style, not function.

    3. What's a sniper rifle? It's a rifle that's designed to put rounds within less than a minute of arc within the range of the cartridge used. Why do you object to accuracy?

    The .50 caliber number is just one type. Any centerfire rifle could be used for sharpshooting, depending on the range--the military uses a variant of the .308 Winchester for many of its snipers, the same round as many deer hunters use.

    That being said, I see nothing wrong with private ownership of a .50 caliber rifle.

    4. There's no background check at a bookstore or for posting on a blog. Do you favor some rights over others?

    5. An assault rifle, correctly defined, shoots an intermediate cartridge and has fully automatic capability. Without a Class III firearms license, Americans can't own assault rifles.

    Now if you mean what is commonly mislabelled as an assault rifle, I don't see the point. Polymer frames and accessory rails don't change the basic function. A semiautomatic deer rifle with wood furniture is essentially the same weapon as the black plastic version, except that most deer rifles shoot a more powerful cartridge.

    6. Why not? School budgets are stretched already, so I prefer a focus on basics, but I see nothing wrong with students learning a skill.

    7. You expect public discourse to adapt to tender feelings?

    8. Silencer is a misnomer. The correct word is suppressor. They don't reduce the volume all that much. They aren't the magic wands of the movies.

    9. I don't lay down blanket rules for all children. If I had children, I'd teach them to use and to respect firearms, then assess their maturity.

    10. I don't trust statistics, as the method of gathering and analyzing them is rarely given. And in any case, numbers are irrelevant to rights.

    11. I have no idea what you're talking about.

    12. Teddy Kennedy was on the terrorist watch list. I object to any list that takes away rights through secretive means and has no due process.

    13. Medical journals ought to address medical subjects. Besides, peer review is not a guarantee against bias. Its purpose is to assure that the article meets the standards of the field in question.

    14. I'm not particularly worried about government agents breaking in to my home. That's an outside possibility. What I'm more concerned about is criminals doing the same. I do note that bounty hunters get addresses wrong and have killed innocents.

    15. I prefer gun grabber to pro-criminal, but taking away firearms from good citizens does give an advantage to those who wish to break the law.

    Perhaps you can see that I'm not an extremist. I certainly do not need therapy. What I support is my right to own, carry, and use firearms for lawful purposes--including self defense.

    Since you give a Norse name for yourself, let me quote from the sayings of Odin, the Havamal:

    A man in the open country must not
    go more than one step
    from his weapons;
    because one can't be sure
    when, outside on the roads,
    a spear will be needed by a warrior.

  9. I'm a gun enthusiast. The items that you've shown in this post are, for the most part, silly, but you could find something equally silly in any other category of consumer goods. Freedom means putting up with a little foolishness.

  10. @ Greg: Comments weren't closed on the "You're Probably a pro-gun extremist if..." post, but since you weren't able to post your reply to that post, I've posted them for you there.