Back in July I posted a blog entitled "You're Probably A Pro-Gun Extremist If ...." which listed some very good indicators that you may fall into that category. I consider it a public service. To treat a problem you first have to realize you have a problem, right?
Well, another sign that you may be a pro-gun extremist is if you have paraphernalia proudly displayed around your home which advertises your fetish for guns. No, I'm not talking about NRA hats or bumper stickers, or that nicely displayed collection of antique six-shooters, or the new laser sight you bought. I'm talking about everyday items that now have to have a gun theme, items which proudly proclaim, "Guns are in my everyday thoughts! Come to my home, where everything should be gun-related!"
For instance, lighting. Here's a great gallery of lamps which feature guns as the stand. Name your category, they have it: Tommy guns, semi-auto handguns, revolvers, assault rifles. Some are chrome, others golden. One even states at the base, "Happiness is a hot gun." Ah, nothing says "cozy home furnishings" more than that! And here's a gun lamp that goes even further. Just aim the gun and pull the trigger and the lamp turns off, knocking the shade askew. Yay! Now you can live out a snippet of your home invasion fantasy every time you fall asleep. Sweet dreams!
And you can wake up to your home defense fantasies, too, with a shooting alarm clock! In fact, there are TWO to choose from. One is sorta old fashioned, with a gun that is actually attached to the clock. But more impressive is this newer one with a pop-up target, which has "bang" sounds, a countdown for shooting, and a voice that tells you how excellent your shooting was. Heck, nothing is better to wake up to than gunfire, right?
Once you're awake, it's time to get dressed. Put on your Ted Nugent shirt and NRA cap... but wait! What about the shoes, ladies? Why, now you can get stylish with these pumps that feature handguns as the high heels! There's plenty of styles to choose from. And where will you hide your concealed firearm? Putting it in your purse is so passé. How about in your bra? Yes, with the Flashbang holster, you can put your small semi-auto handgun in the front between your breasts. With a hand up your shirt and a quick-release, you can be defending yourself in style! As they say, "Nothing comes between a woman and her gun!" And for those who fumble, it doubles as a do-it-yourself mastectomy kit, too!
Now it's time to step out for a quick smoke. No self-respecting gun owning smoker would be without a gun lighter, right? Aw, aren't they cute? Now you can light up while, at the same time, proclaiming your love of fire AND firearms! Shucks, why not go all out and get one that looks like the real thing? What's the harm in it? Of course people DIE because they mistake real guns for lighters. Like this case, or this one, or this one. Eh, who cares? It's not illegal or immoral for such things to be made. We've got our rights, you know! And you're smokin' in style, too!
But even if you shoot yourself to death with your real-gun-you-thought-was-a-lighter, you can even express your gun fetish after your death! You could, for instance, have a coffin made out of smashed guns. But I think a more touching expression of your gun fetish would be to pack your ashes into live bullets. Yes, that's right, for one low, low price of $850 you can have your ashes put into 250 shotgun shells. Said one of the turkey-hunting inventors about what his friends could do with his ashes and what they would think, "He could rest in peace, knowing that one more turkey, the last thing he saw, was Clem screaming at him at 900 feet per second." Or you could go with 100 high-caliber rounds, or pistol rounds, etc. Heck, they could have a 21-gun salute at your memorial service and have people shoot you sky-high. Glamorize guns even after you die! Nothing says you love Second Amendment rights, to whatever extreme, more than the combined smell of gunpowder and human remains.